


The Foaming Mouth Guy vs. The Cabbage Merchant: The Greatest Duel of All Time

by Mr_A_Firebender



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Battle of the Bands, Cabbage Man duels Foaming Mouth Guy, Cabbage-based explosives, Comedic Critique of Capitalism, Crack, Gen, Lin gets away with blackmail, Omashu (Avatar), One Shot, Storytelling, Su gets away with distracting the Emperor from his Emperor duties, The Emperor just wants to sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23472667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_A_Firebender/pseuds/Mr_A_Firebender
Summary: I was given a writing prompt: "Cabbage Man versus Foaming Mouth Guy" and free to do as I wish.A spin off, decades into the future in my writing, Princess Suyin asks her exhausted dad for a bedtime story. In classic Mori fashion, he improvises.And a Battle of the Bands ensues.
Relationships: Cabbage Man (Avatar)/Cabbages, Foaming Mouth Guy/All of Omashu
Kudos: 5





	The Foaming Mouth Guy vs. The Cabbage Merchant: The Greatest Duel of All Time

**Author's Note:**

> The other writer and half of this competition, the legendary King Bumi's Heir: https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/User:King_Bumis_Heir  
> His fic: https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Fanon:The_Cabbage_Merchant_vs._The_Foaming_Mouth_Guy
> 
> This is my first attempt at a third-person story, so there will probably be errors.  
> If you're wondering:  
> This takes place ~30 years into the future of my current writing. As to whether it's part of the overarching canon or not...it's a spinoff. Don't go into 'Wacky' expecting things to turn out like this.  
> Some context:  
> -Toph was once Earth Queen, she thought the title wasn't cool enough and made herself Earth Empress. Mori's her Consort, Emperor, among a hundred other titles. The Earth Empire's in a period of stability, there's only one rebellion and one daofei war going on.  
> -Lin's 14, Su's 8. Lin currently attends the Imperial Academy and is a hardworking student. She's also quite clever. Su's 8 and is adorable, that's all that needs be said.  
> -Toph has a country to rule and she loves spending time with her girls, thus, she's mostly in Ba Sing Se.  
> -The Avatar is...not on the best terms with the Earth lands.

**Day 10 of Plum Flower Month, Year 33 of the Reign of Her Imperial Majesty, the First Earth Empress, Toph Beifong.**

His Imperial Majesty enjoyed little more than getting to sleep at a reasonable time. Specifically, before dawn. He submitted the last of the Badgermole Throne’s responses to the Imperial Palace Clerk by way of courtier-couriers, held a one-man dinner in his private study, and departed for his bedchambers. While walking across the far-too-big for comfort Palace, he recollected about how he missed the campaign. The mud of trenches and the sounds of siege engines firing? That was his home. But his Empress summoned him to return home with a letter bearing some kind of incoherent scribble stamped with the Imperial Seal. So now...he was going to make the most of his time before the next peasant general,  _ daofei  _ lord or heretical sage reared their ugly head. And he did. Every letter sent to him was a full page, a essay in high prose, crafted in quick haste the previous morning and on his table by the afternoon at most.. And every response of his was the most practical and or drunken-based rambling that could be crafted within a few  _ fen _ . Out in the mountains of Makapu, the  _ daofei  _ weren’t known for their penmanship. Here? He’d receive eloquently worded, polite, ‘with all due respects’ and ‘no offenses meant to Your Majesty’s’  _ criticisms  _ that his oh-so-holy off-hand was busy recovering from an arrow wound to write  _ properly _ and  _ formally _ . The Dai Li that clung to their ceiling perches even heard him curse his own -with some assistance by the Imperial Tutor- reforms. “Without formality, there will be anarchy.” 

It happened to be that while wandering to his bedchamber, the Young Princess heard his arrival -for he ran when others walked- and shouted “Daddy! Come tell me a bedtime story!” Her Imperial Highness, the Crown Princess, quietly, but loud enough to be heard from outside the bedroom door, chastised her younger sister. “Father is busy. Let him rest.” Shocking her, the Emperor himself took his fist, banged on the door, and asked to enter. The two occupants approved and the Imperial Guards stationed at the door opened it for him.

The elder Princess rose from her readings and kowtowed next to her bed, “Father.” The younger Princess ignored the proceedings and instead hugged her father. The Emperor, while being squeezed, looked over at the heir-apparent while she sat on the side of her bed in her night-clothes and watched the two. “What were you reading there?” “I have a test tomorrow.” He eyed the thick textbook sitting on the desk, a stack of flat parchment next to it. The younger let go of him and jumped up and down while watching him cross the expansive bedroom to her side of the room. He bowed to her, crossed the room again, and sat down on his younger daughter’s bed. While the younger sat down, tucking herself in and murmuring of ‘I hope this one’s a good story!’, the elder asked “Father, when commanding officers, which is the bigger danger, the reckless one or the fire-tempered one?” The Emperor looked at his younger, thinking up a good story for her, and gave a single chuckle. “Neither...wait, is this part of your test?” and the elder, her ruse broken, smiled. He rubbed his stomach and laughed. “You can’t cheat on a test.” “I’m not, I just wanted to know-” but she was interrupted by “Story! I want to hear a good story this time!” and the elder groaned. The Emperor was torn between answering his elder’s questions and his younger’s request for a story. He settled on the younger. 

“Do you want to hear the time I fought the Lord of Xinyang?” and he looked back-and-forth between the one cuddling her pillow and the one reading from a book. The elder yawned from disinterest. The younger one was annoyed. “I know that story! You lost the duel! Mommy pulled a crossbow bolt out of your leg!” The Emperor slapped his face. The elder Princess shook her head. “ _ Su _ , he  _ won  _ the duel and attempted to break Lord Dong’s forces with a charge and was struck down by a crossbow volley.” Trying to be a mediator, he said “You’re both right.” The younger Princess clapped and yelled “Tell me one I haven’t heard!” The elder rolled her eyes, annoyed at being interrupted for  _ this _ . “I’ll tell you both one that you have  _ never  _ heard before.” “Is it the one where you fought a rearguard to protect the blacksmiths of New Taku?” The Emperor had a momentary lapse in where he was and shook for a few moments. His elder noticed this, his younger didn’t. The elder did not respond for fear of reminding him of such a battle. He collected himself, “Right, right...no. It’s about two legendary heroes and their duel.” The younger exclaimed “Ooh! Heroes!” and the elder inquired “Are these Generals?” The Emperor shook his head. “No, the tale of one excited man and his war against Cabbage-kind.” The elder crossed her arms. “You made this up?” The Emperor’s reply? “I’m  _ making  _ it up, my dear Lin.” “Just like you made up the battle plans for-” “Yes.” 

“Our tale begins long, long ago. Before your aunt was the Princess of the First Rank and General of the Imperial Capital Banner Army, she was a humble Kyoshi Warrior Captain. And before  _ that _ , she was just my cousin. When she was merely my cousin and I was merely named after a tree, she had a relationship with a man named Tu-Jia. The  _ History of Kyoshi Island  _ gives him the name of ‘Foaming Mouth Guy’. He wrote many ballads on nature and the... _ Avatar _ . Before you two grab your scabbards, no, no, not the Air Avatar, he was off contemplating the philosophy of being an iceberg. After your aunt and he had a katana-based falling out, she prefered tough ice-people, he took to travelling the world. The Air Avatar, on his quest of self-realization, stopped off on Kyoshi Island twice and both times Tu-Jia met him as a rabid fan would meet a famous actor. As such, the titular title of ‘Foaming Mouth Guy.’ While the rest of your kin rallied themselves to go die for Her Imperial Majesty, but didn’t because we’re all mental, he took to wandering the world in the name of ‘self-realization’. In reality, a bunch of women from those  _ bastard sons of Oma _ , the  _ Chin _ , fell in love with his songs and the last Magistrate of Chin Commandery even patronized him with some gold the man nicely liberated from my home island.” “Then why didn’t you kill him, Daddy?” the younger mused. The elder groaned and pulled her done-up braid and her out of her reading. “Father was no coward, he was busy fighting.” “Who said I wasn’t a coward? Wait... I mean, the Imperial Army was  _ really, really  _ bad back then. The Council of Five had done an  _ excellent  _ job of-” “More story!” the younger Princess  _ demanded _ . Just as a Dai Li agent was forced to relinquish his hat to her demands -it still sits there, proudly, on her nightstand- the Emperor submitted to her request while the elder Princess glared at him with amazement. “Where was I? Actually, who cares? This Tu-Jia became quite popular in the southwest lands of the then-Kingdom. Why? All the men were off dying, I mean, giving their lives for Her Imperial Majesty and the  _ extremely wise  _ Council of Five, which left an army of women and children. Did you know who  _ also  _ spent most of  _ his  _ time as far from the battlefield as possible? If you said I did, you’d be right. But also, the  _ Avatar _ . I was busy doing my best trying to organize chaos, the Air Avatar was sewing it into the realm.” “Father, is it true that the phrase ‘Down with the Tyrant, Up with the-’” “Quiet! He’s telling a story.” The Emperor pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to make sense of nonsense. Which just so happened to be an unofficial title of his. The Emperor sighed and asked “Is that from the third rebellion, or the fourth? They’re all kind of meshing together in my head.” “The one with the warlords and the White Moose-lion General.” “I  _ think  _ that’s the fourth one. It goes big war and rebellion, people’s uprising, commandery explosion, a few more rebellions, golden age.” The younger one interrupted his flashback to go “I want to know about the duel, Daddy!” and the elder returned to her reading. “Which duel? There’s been so many.” and he laughed at his own predicament. “The one between your cousin’s ex-boyfriend and...someone else. You were giving exposition!” “Right, right, of course...story away!” and he expected a playwright to emerge and  _ tell  _ a story. Then it hit him that  _ he  _ was telling a story. So he slapped himself in the face. “This man, Tu-Jia, became really popular in Zhaoze De and...I forgot it’s stupid formal name, but the Gong pass land’s,  _ that  _ place. He assembled a not-so-small army of fangirls while singing the praises of an egg. An egg with a staff and the ability to...cripple people for life...but still, an egg. So Tu-Jia travelled northwest along the Dahai coast before landing at Dahai. Why? There was this big musician’s convention going on in the mountains. And they had lots of cactus juice. And women. And awful whiskey that tastes like breaded water. He and his fangirls marched up the Shwo River Valley and using the sound of five thousand pacifists learning how to multiply as a group, tracked them down to this big lake-thing. There, they sang songs about peace and wearing flowers. Tu-Jia was one of the most popular attractions, they say his high-pitched nasal voice could make any girl blush. I don’t know who ‘they’ are. Who would’ve thought, five thousand people multiplying and the sounds of partying would attract... _ daofei _ . Tu-Jia fled with a couple of his fans. But it was too late. His name and his ballads were already ascending in popularity.” The elder Princess again took her head out of her reading to inquire “Did he travel from town to town, preaching his music to the masses like some kind of rebellious sage? Or was he a tavern-goer who won the hearts of the night crowds of the big towns?” The Emperor rubbed his head. “Why...why would I know?” The elder Princess flipped a page in her textbook and responded, quite serious, “Because the best way to rally the hearts of the ignorant masses is through music. If he was clever, he would’ve-” but she was interrupted by her sister talking, and making mouth motions with her hand, “Blah, blah, blah, ‘something clever.’” The Emperor was trapped between a student of an Academy and someone as voraciously needy for stories as someone  _ else  _ was needy for foot massages. 

The Emperor continued his storytelling. “Our story jumps over the Nantu Mountains and lands in the Free State of Omashu. Back then, it was just the Free City of Omashu. There, we meet one man, and, according to Her Imperial Majesty’s favorite playwright, ‘his loving relationship with cabbages.’” The elder daughter, in a turn of character, jumped into the conversation with “Lord Gan-Lan? What does  _ he  _ have to do with this?” The Emperor brought his hands together. “Before Lord Gan-Lan was, well, a  _ Lord _ , Gan-Lan was a ‘humble merchant of cabbage.’ I’ve never consumed a cabbage. Her Imperial Majesty resents them. But the ancient man pretended to be a merchant of cabbage to run his secret trade.” The elder Princess smiled and raised her hand like she was in class. He picked her. “The weapons business! That’s why he was selected by Lord Satoru for the Mark Five Strike-Bombers.” The Emperor tipped his head. “What you said. Yes. Accurate.” Then he turned back to face his younger daughter while she tried her hardest to pretend to be asleep  _ and  _ annoyed with, as she put it, “All this blabbing.” The Emperor progressed with his tale. “But back then, nobody knew he designed weapons. Now, Gan-Lan’s produce was just as reliable as his strike aircraft or his tanks, but just like his strike aircraft and his tanks, the stuff was cheap. He used to buy cabbages from farmers for  _ killer  _ prices and resell them in cities, spending as little as possible on housing and wearing the same three pieces of clothes.” The younger interrupted him and asked “Just like how Mommy wears the same couple outfits?” One Emperor faceslap applied to himself later, “Her Imperial Majesty likes dressing comfortably. He was just cheap. He undercut all his competitors and they were all forced out of business. And yet, he played innocent. Now, you may ask, how did he and Tu-Jia cross paths? One of his side-businesses was that he owned a band.” The younger cheered with excitement. “A band? What were they called? Are they like the Imperial Dai Li Choir?” The elder answered for the Emperor.“The Cabbages.” The Emperor gave a nod to his well-read relative before looking back at the daughter who was trying not to giggle at the name. “That’s right, writers of the ballad ‘All You Need is Cabbage’ and ‘Here Comes the Cabbage’. So...before The Cabbages sold out the Chong-Shan Theater, they were a local Omashu band. Lord Gan-Lan would travel the then-Kingdom selling his cabbages but The Cabbages would play for sold-out-a-month-in-advance crowds at the Buro Theater in Omashu. After getting most of his personal group of fangirls murdered by  _ daofei _ , Tu-Jia and his surviving entourage wandered through the Two Lovers’ Mountains and by the protection of the Spirits of the Two Lovers themselves, made it to Omashu a few days too late to miss Earth Rumble Six and a Half: Monarch Edition. But he was there a few days early for the next showing of The Cabbages and their new release, ‘Cabbage Man.’”

“Tu-Jia also had a bit of a following in Omashu. Being only one man and his recently-liberated-from-Nomads pipa, he couldn’t produce the same kind of tunes as four men and their instruments. The first time our duelists crossed paths was when Tu-Jia walked down a road in Omashu and bought a cabbage from Gan-Lan. Tu-Jia remarked that his cabbage tasted quite good and tipped Gan-Lan a few silver he had also liberated from some Nomads and their mass attempt at multiplying. For absolutely no reason other than convenience, the two showed up at the same tavern the next day, one there to sing and the other to get reports from his spies on the latest weapons out of the Mechanist’s workshop. I don’t know any of Tu-Jia’s song names and they’re all probably terrible anyways, but a bunch of women who were far older than I would’ve been back then  _ did  _ and fell head-over-heels for this coward and his songs about how lovely nature is or how much he loves the Avatar in a friend kind of way, or even how lovely love is. In case you didn’t get it, he loves love just like  _ another  _ coward and  _ his  _ views on romance.” The younger of the two who was  _ not  _ falling asleep to this historical epic cut his monorail of thought, next stop crazy town, off. “‘Romance?’. Romance is  _ oogies _ .” The younger one contorted the word ‘romance’ to make it sound like row-man-seh, since apparently stretching a word’s pronunciation out helps for making it a diminutive. The elder sister pressed on her eyelids and groaned. “Not another one of these. By Kyoshi if you start talking about the ills of romance without the wherewithal to understand the functional purpose that romance has-” The Emperor had to retake control of his daughter’s nonsense before it derailed the stationary Palace and send the lot of them into a spiraling discussion that would’ve resulted in a talk that he was  _ not  _ about to give his younger daughter, regardless of what his cousin thought. “Girls. Girls. Yes. Officially, by Imperial Law, the word ‘romance’ is synonymous with the word ‘oogies.’ But romance, er,  _ oogies _ , can be okay. Sometimes. Maybe.”

And the Emperor got on his knees and faced the Crown Princess, raising his hands like he would when praying to his ancestors. “Please, please, please, don’t tell Her Imperial Majesty that I said this. Please. I’m begging you…” but the Crown Princess didn’t divert her gaze from her readings. As cold as her teachers, she held her own father at a metaphorical knifepoint. “One condition. Don’t go off on campaign tomorrow and let’s go on a  _ trip _ .” The Emperor felt like he was just stabbed. And considering his life experience, he knew that feeling. “But...the Imperial Campaign against the Feicui Pirates…” The Emperor’s stuttering was a mark of his...mixed feelings. On the one hand, he  _ was  _ to depart tomorrow morning, by presumed suggestion of Her Imperial Majesty, to lead an operation to drive the resurgent ‘Pirates of the Red Moon’ into extinction with the might of the Imperial Feicui Navy and the Imperial Air Corps, Dongfang Division. On the other hand, his daughter wanted to go travelling. “Why not ask Her Imperial Majesty? I’m sure the Grand Secretariat could just pull the old jade-eye-stare and the rest of the Court would listen to him.” “Father, we both know that Her Imperial Majesty is more than happy to leave this city, but I’d rather not have my trip turn into...practice.” The Emperor reluctantly nodded. He got back at her with an improvised quip. “I’ve never had the pleasure.” The younger daughter was eerily quiet during all this. The Emperor exhaled like he was being kicked in the shins, note, don’t remind him of that, and wavered on his obligations. “Where do you want to go?” Others may hop out of their bed, pull out a map, and point at somewhere like Dongfang or Beihai or even Kyoshi Island. “Taizigou. I’d like to meet the Magistrate and learn about how his people deal with surviving the intense winter storms. Personally. Oh, and because I heard the tundra was a wonderful place to hike and I’d like to watch the sunrise rise over the Sunrise Sea. I’ll finish my exam first.” The Emperor looked up at the ceiling for wisdom and “A cup of tea?” A  _ fen  _ later, some Dai Li agent slid down the wall of the room and handed him a cup of tea. “Thank you, Agent” and the Emperor downed the tea in one gulp. Then he handed the teacup to a waiting attendant, not the Dai Li -it’s not their job- and the attendant departed. Reluctantly, “ _ Yes _ . But I’ll...have to go...do...work. And organize things.” The Crown Princess gave this crafty, crafty, grin. Quite similar to someone else and her crafty, crafty, grins. Then it hit the Emperor. “You...you learned how to threaten people from Her Imperial Majesty, didn’t you?” But the Crown Princess refused to follow suit, instead grinning. “And I’d like to go, too!” the younger Princess blurted out. Both of the older individuals and the three eyes between them turned to stare at this woman all of  _ eight  _ making these demands. “We...we can’t bribe her can we?” the Emperor asked, hoping to gain counsel from his firstborn. “Nope.” and the heir-apparent went back to reading. 

The Emperor had to resort to his contingency, trying to make his younger daughter fall asleep and hope she doesn’t remember this conversation. “So...where was I? Right, right, their second meeting. So Gan-Lan was using his spy network to learn information about our weapons manufacturing and Tu-Jia was winning the hearts of the patrons. Gan-Lan emerged from a backroom, probably doing something quite legal, and watched from the conveniently dark corner that all these taverns have, but only when you don’t need them in reality, and watched Tu-Jia playing some song about how wonderful the egg’s egghead was. He wasn’t singing about how the Air Avatar of then looked like an egg, or now, an egg with a ‘I’m so hardy’ grizzled ‘beard’, no, no, he was singing about the Air Avatar and...well it doesn’t matter. He played a song, the people loved it, and Gan-Lan got worried for three reasons. One, the Air Avatar was as much the bane of Gan-Lan’s cabbages as he was the bane of…you know. Two, Gan-Lan and us shared this weird curse, where if we speak of the current Avatar, there would be a higher than nothing chance that the Air Avatar pops in on his invincible sky buffalo. If a ballista can’t kill it and _The Azure King_ and _The Spiritsbane_ Meteor Cannon can’t kill it…you know. The Air Avatar, just as he keeps destroying buildings while plowing through them, also destroyed Gan-Lan’s cabbage stand many, many, times. Third, and most relevant to this conflict, Tu-Jia was stealing Gan-Lan’s hardworking and well-paying customers from right under his smaller-than-average nose. Gan-Lan wasn’t going to do anything, though. Others might’ve killed him right then and there for stealing customers. No. Gan-Lan went back to his shack and went to sleep. He was going to wait and see what happened next. The Cabbages were set to perform by the end of that moon’s quarter and everything appeared to be fine. But, like any heroic story, the villain’s just got to keep ramping up the stakes or all the conflict feels pointless.”

The elder Princess didn’t take her head out of her scrolls, and yet still managed to remark “Father, she’s too young to care about if a story has a villain ramping up stakes or not. She just wants something action-packed and entertaining.” The Emperor might’ve glared at her with his good eye, but he shrugged. Despite being tired, he still had the strength to muster his teaching voice. Not that he ever taught anyone anything. “I hate to break it to you, but she’s not the only one who  _ needs  _ an entertaining story or she does  _ not  _ go to sleep. I didn’t get my position  _ just  _ because I could swing a sword and give absolutely  _ killer  _ massages. Sometimes with blades. If you can’t use diplomacy to win over your foes and must rely on purely martial skill, you’ll end up with  _ some  _ rebellion or other, I honestly forgot which one. I think it was the warlord one.” The elder daughter nodded, not-that-surprised at the quick comment-turned-lecture, and went back to reading. So he went back to yammering. “The Cabbages’ day of their performance drew near. Tu-Jia was roving the streets like some kind of homeless beggar. Or, if you’d prefer...a  _ nomad _ . Part of his routine was that he became a master Foambender. While playing his pipa, he’d foam at the mouth towards the end during his instrumentals. This foaming, this...ability… attracted even more interested individuals. And people who aren’t Nomads tend to have money. And that’s more money in his sack and more money he can use to buy fancier places to stay for himself and his personal entourage of fangirls who were all given  _ blue  _ clothes to wear.” The Crown Princess finally showcased some emotion as she went “Wait, wait...they stole the Imperial color,  _ your _ color, for themselves?” and the Emperor tried to think back to the past. Since there’s a lot of past to think back to. He tapped his chin. “Back then it was the color of Kyoshi Island and the Earth Islanders. The Imperial Color Law had yet to be passed for...well the standard unit of time I used back then was ‘one rebellion of time’, so it took one rebellion of time to invent and pass that law.” Using her hands to point at her younger sister, she used a louder voice to yell “See, Su! This is something you would learn if you attended classes.” The Emperor couldn’t resist the mention of sight and pointed at his glass eye. Now  _ she  _ was the one slapping her face and groaning. But all this sibling bickering, completely justified bickering, was only going to keep the younger one awake. “The day of The Cabbages’ performance had arrived. While I was being tossed around like a ragdoll by a rotund Dong and his blade, the Buro Theater was alight with fireworks and alcohol. Their new song, ‘Cabbage Man’, premiered as their starting performance. And almost everyone from the King to the lowliest peasant attended since the King bought a couple thousand tickets and was handing them out like cactus juice at a Pu-On Tim play. One man...one man didn’t. Tu-Jia had left Omashu and climbed up Rumble Cliff, only to begin playing music from atop the city-facing cliff. When he left, only a couple of his fangirls had come with him. But the city-guards noticed. And the city guards  _ hated  _ Gan-Lan. So they left their posts, since who needs competency, right? Just throw a couple waves of troops at your opponents.” He looked over at his elder daughter expecting a question. Sure enough, “How did you know one of the Academy’s practice test questions?” He chuckled. “What chapter in the Imperial Army Manual is that?” And just as with before, she recited her knowledge. “I believe it’s three: Throw your undisciplined peasants in as a front line of arrow fodder, then go in with the experienced ones. Keep motivation ‘high.’” He smirked. “Just remember, the fodder is  _ not  _ heavy infantry. They’re skirmishers, not your experienced bender core. As for the Dai Li ensuring that your less-trained men know which way is forward, you can thank the Grand Secretariat for that.”

Going back to his yawning Princess, who continued to cuddle her blanket joyfully, “Tu-Jia played from atop the cliffs, The Cabbages played on the other side of Omashu. The western side was a musical battleground since the cliffs around Omashu amplify anything from a bird call to a badgermole roaring at you to give it a pet.” At the mention of her favorite animal, the younger daughter popped up. “Like Qiang?” Her elder corrected her “His name is Lord Qiangyang, Wielder of-” but she was interrupted by the Emperor and his mediatorness. “Either will do.” The Emperor then reminded himself that he forgot to wish his life-long friend a good night, and was concerned that come-the-dawn, he’d be swiped across the Crystal Catacombs by a very, very, moody badgermole. “Tu-Jia’s combination of instrumental solos, his soft, nasal voice, and his excited deliberately choreographed ‘fall over and foam at the mouth’ moves earned the love of the civilians on their way to trade at the low tariffed Free City. The Cabbages may have sold out the Theater and the entire hill  _ around  _ the Theater -actually a open space built into the side of the hill- but enough people were going to Tu-Jia that not  _ everyone  _ was attending the performance. Namely, the then-Captain of His Royal Majesty’s garrison. And don’t think Gan-Lan and his convenient eyesight forgot about this completely generic looking person who happened to follow the King around. Really, don’t think that. That’s dumb. One of Gan-Lan’s little spies happened to be travelling around the western part of the city and noticed a crowd gathering beneath the Rumble Cliff. With  _ his  _ really good eyesight, or maybe he walked across the causeway, or spoke to the town-guards who were cheering Tu-Jia and his pipa-solos. One night of otherwise boring events later, Gan-Lan heard about Tu-Jia’s successful performance and more importantly, he was earning the traders’ money. That’s even worse because those traders could’ve bought Gan-Lan’s cabbages but now they were running their own little trade circle outside the city, taking advantage of the crowd to compete in selling them goods. Now, it was personal. It became a battle of mercantilism and trade laws. It became a battle of one man and his weird obsession with foam and one man and his secret underground trade empire.”

“Gan-Lan, ever the genius diplomat, tried buying Tu-Jia out first. He offered him something like one-twentieth of The Cabbages’ earnings, yes I made up that number, if Tu-Jia would sign on as a secondary pipa player and turn the four-man band into a five-man band. And The Cabbages were earning lots. And Gan-Lan knew to pay his musicians well since a hundred other traders from across the region would gladly buy up such a well-earning band. Tu-Jia refused, in his eyes he believed he was making enough alone. So Gan-Lan offered that he’d pay for Tu-Jia’s house and all his services, meaning he’d have a free life as long as he kept playing music and composing pieces. Tu-Jia refused. Gan-Lan tried to buy off his fans next, but as his core fans were all rabid teenage girls and had as much sense as a mood-swinging waterbender, they refused. To them, he was everything. Gan-Lan offered him a merchandising deal, which really should’ve been the moment the Omashu Tax Authority locked down Gan-Lan’s assets since if this humble cabbage merchant was able to run a  _ clothing company  _ producing The Cabbages branded clothing and pottery, then maybe he owned more than just one stand. Then again, this was Omashu and anything went, assuming you had the right price. Unless you were part of the Garrison. Those people were like fake Dai Li, stiff-shouldered and taking everything seriously. They tried to be competent but that didn’t go very far inside the city wall. If this was Ba Sing Se or Full Moon Bay, his illegal practices would be noted and he’d be punished as the Grand Secretariat considered lawful. At least, that is... _ before  _ he struck a deal with The Mechanist to buy up most of our military factories and now everything’s got a Cabbage Corp label on it. Thanks, ‘I was in a Free City and therefore am not punishable,’ Imperial Law loophole. He didn’t stop with his diplomatic attempts. He offered  _ everything  _ he possibly could to win Tu-Jia over. House, servants, clothes, a carriage, a glider, and so on, the stakes kept climbing. And Tu Jia refused.”

“If Gan-Lan couldn’t win Tu-Jia over, Tu-Jia  _ was  _ making enough money to be more than well-off on his own, then perhaps he could work in the shadows. Tu-Jia was going to have a showing at some venue in Omashu. Gan-Lan tried to buy him out. He didn’t win with the venue deal, the owner realized what was happening since most people  _ have  _ brains, except Air Acolytes and Nomads, and charged an exorbitant amount of gold for what amounted to a one-time deal. So Gan-Lan tried to destroy his audience by having The Cabbages perform  _ that night  _ in a sudden performance at the Buro. It doesn’t take the  _ Jinshi _ -rank Director of the Six Ministries to figure out that telling a bunch of people to pour out for a concert is not going to work well. Instead of The Cabbages, who randomly appeared, getting the audience, word spread that Tu-Jia was playing and after his venue sold out, people could listen in for free outside  _ without  _ paying. Something that, as you can imagine, Gan-Lan did not like. The Cabbages still made money and still had a rousing audience, but it wasn’t  _ all  _ the people and therefore not good enough for this one cabbage master and his cabbage empire. Even worse, someone relevant to the plot but not important enough to the plot spotted people  _ wearing  _ The Cabbages’ clothing while attending Tu-Jia’s concert. And Tu-Jia, in an act of drunken stupidity that objectively proved he was a Kyoshi Islander whether we liked him or not, bought the entire tavern free whiskey.” At the mention of the famous liquid, the elder Princess pulled her head out of her reading and asked “Did he then order the tavern goers to burn down some shrines?” and the Emperor slapped himself in the face. “You’ve been reading too much Dai Li writing.” The Crown Princess had the look of someone who didn’t want to believe what she knew to be true. And yet, she replied to her father to explain that it  _ was  _ true. “ _ Records of Prince Chong-Shan _ , or officially according to this textbook,  _ Records of Me, the Greatest Prince Ever _ , is part of the curriculum. We took a test on it. I...don’t know why either.” The Emperor’s one good eye went wide. “You’re kidding.” The Crown Princess wasn’t kidding. She took her textbook and flipped to a specific page, having seemingly memorized the entire textbook, turned it around and held it up to show him from across the room. He got off the younger Princess’s bed, walked over to her, and  _ broke into laughter _ . Hysterical, nasal, laughter. The Crown Princess recoiled, concerned for her father’s mental wellbeing. The younger one joined him in laughing. She didn’t know that the book was full of one man’s drunken ramblings on politics, fighting, charismatic speeches and oogie-filled thoughts about his female bodyguard that became oogie-filled events. “Why...you’re fourteen...right? Why is this in the required reading?” The Crown Princess shrugged. “Remember, Father, the next youngest student in my class is sixteen.” The Emperor rubbed his temples. “I...didn’t remember.” He didn’t. He was busy with other things, like war. And yet, he ensured to continue being polite. “Thanks for reminding me.” She nodded and he went back to trying to get around to concluding this epic of epics from the comfort of sitting on the edge of his younger daughter’s bed.

“As anyone living and not the Air Avatar would tell you, when diplomacy fails, resort to violence. A few weeks later, Tu-Jia used a flanking maneuver. And Omashu is a city of mountains. So flanking works. He flanked himself right up the mountainside and into the Buro. How? Why? Why are you listening for consistency? Somehow the fifth or second most popular - depending on if we count The Cabbages as one unit or as four people and if we consider ticket sales as a judge of popularity - musician in the city of Omashu got into the Buro without attracting attention. Once there, he did as all Kyoshi Islanders do and made a total fool of himself, pulling out his long-” but the Emperor was interrupted by a pouty-voiced Princess whining “Can’t you just cut to the fun part? When does someone get punched?” and she punched her blanket to prove this. The Emperor chuckled. “I was  _ just  _ getting to the important climax. It’s quite boomy, and no not the King of Omashu.” The Princess cheered a “Yay!” and tossed herself back into bed. 

“He started playing his pipa and singing about the Air Avatar and bringing world peace. Now, Omashu loves their Air Avatar. And he was singing in the middle of the day. You know who doesn’t have a job and is free to roam the city in the middle of the day? Teenagers who are probably ten commanderies away from their homes because they left on a pilgrimage to  _ find  _ this man and his foaming mouth and are now stuck, not homeless because his fanclub were mostly Nomads or Nomad wannabes who were used to not doing anything responsible and wandering around asking for free stuff. And the Buro was  _ stormed _ by fangirls. You two remember when Her Imperial Majesty gave her speech on ‘making all our enemies and everyone  _ you  _ don’t like go boom!’, well think that on a smaller scale. The difference is Her Imperial Majesty is married. But this Tu-Jia? Turns out musicians who spend most of their time with cactus juice addictions tend not to have lasting relationships. I know I made this up in the third act of the story, but it’s true. I assume. What  _ is  _ true is this Tu-Jia couldn’t land a lasting relationship. Not that the fans cared. Fans are  _ worse  _ than peasants. An army of teenage nonbending women with no trained skills who can’t even hold spears is...bad.”

“Gan-Lan summoned The Cabbages in an epic horn blast with a gong chorus that must’ve sounded like when the Banner Armies are summoned for war. Ceremonial, since they’re all stationed in far-corners of the land, but people hear it and like the sound of it. And The Cabbages, like a reliable Banner Army, arrived at roughly the correct time, give or take a month. They began playing not far down the slope from Tu-Jia. If you’ve read your peasant rebellions, you know that when two groups of fanatics who have the same ideology but think they’re different interact, it only ends with fighting. In this case, rioting. The Foamers versus The Lil’ Cabbages. The Foamers raided the King’s cactus juice cellars led by the Captain of his Garrison. Once the news spread that the good stuff was being leaked to the public, hundreds claimed to be Foamers, grabbed cactus juice, and began drinking the stuff.” 

The Young Princess tensed up with excitement. The Emperor sighed, took a deep breath, and went for the final offensive. “The bloodiest war that never was. As Tu-Jia’s pipa dueled The Cabbages and their instruments, Foamers, enraged by the same cactus juice that Her Imperial Majesty once drank and...that’s another story for when you’re older...well they rioted. The cactus juice gave them a second, third, fourth wind. They began one-woman fighting engines of  _ war  _ and fell upon The Cabbages and their performance like a blizzard of crazies. Heads were caved in, people got  _ bent _ , someone pulled a  _ guandao  _ out of his pants and started scything his foes, and Gan-Lan was, rightfully, furious. Within a single  _ dian  _ a couple hundred people were leaking them-matter all over the slopes of Omashu while a couple thousand were wounded with crippled hands. And worst of all for Gan-Lan, anything remotely similar to a cabbage was put to the torch, led by a mob of town-guards and opportunistic looters. Not looters by trade, the kind of people who only loot when it's safe and easy to. Red cabbages, green cabbages, earthballs, round human heads, The Cabbages merchandise, The Cabbages branded cabbage carts, cabbage carts, and of course,  _ his  _ cabbage cart.”

“Gan-Lan fell to his knees and screamed ‘Not my cabbages!’. Then, like the One-Eyed Badgermole, he got to his feet and  _ took action _ . He wasn’t about to go down without a fight. He had a secret weapon. See, he had friends in the Fire Nation. Admiral Chan, or, what’s left of him, was a big cabbage-consumer and lover of all things cabbage. From Admiral Chan, he obtained a secret. Gan-Lan, alone, waded through the mass of drunk teenagers who were too busy multiplying to notice him and walked up to Tu-Jia. Tu-Jia was far too reckless for his own good and challenged Gan-Lan to a duel. A  _ duel _ . Why? Well Tu-Jia was many things, but he still had that bonkers Kyoshi Island blood in him. The same blood you two have. Gan-Lan was enraged. First his rightful monopoly was infringed by some weirdo, then that weirdo’s fans destroyed all his stuff. So what did he do?” The Emperor held his tongue for a moment to let the young Princess stir with anticipation.

“He pulled a cabbage out of his back-sack, lit the cabbage on fire, and tossed it at Tu-Jia. Gan-Lan dived behind a stone wall while the cabbage turned Tu-Jia into Thousand-Jia. He was obliterated. His army of fangirls turned on Gan-Lan, so Gan-Lan lit another cabbage on fire, tossed it in their direction, and legged it as fast as his old legs could take him. The army of fangirls, their leader dead and most of their Sergeants impaled with cabbage-shrapnel, routed off the field, er, theater. Gan-Lan escaped by the skin of his teeth, as heroes always do for some reason. He had won. Such… is the Tale of Tu-Jia and Lord Gan-Lan. One was reckless, the other quick-tempered.” 

With that, the Young Princess had fallen asleep. Or...she looked asleep. He put a hand on her forehead. She was asleep. 

The Crown Princess  _ put her book down _ and glared at her father while he got off her sister’s bed and tucked her in. Once done, he turned to her and she whispered to him. “So the moral of the story was that a reckless officer is a bigger danger than a fire-tempered one?” The Emperor nodded. “I think both are bad, but I’d rather have someone who is quick to anger and be defensive than quick to anger and be overly aggressive. An hasty offensive fails. Tu-Jia was far too quick. Lord Gan-Lan’s reactionary methods were the sign of a fire-tempered man, but note that he reacted to situations as they progressed. He didn’t initiate conflict as much as try to return to the status quo.” The Emperor walked across the room towards the door. He paused for a moment to conclude, “Still, I’d choose neither.” She got off her seat and kowtowed to him. “Have a good night, Father.” From beneath the thick blankets, the Young Princess yelled, as a child often would when their energy is about to run out, “Good night Daddy! Thanks! Come back soon!” His Imperial Majesty gave the two of them a bow, “I love both of you, probably equally, but  _ one of you goes to classes  _ and one of you doesn’t.” The two daughters laughed. “I’ll get the door!” the elder of the two spoke up and within a blink of an eye, a single metal glove came to her. She sent it over to him and waved it in front of his face, he waved to it, and he departed.

His Imperial Majesty enjoyed nothing more than telling stories to his daughters. He spoke to the Imperial Guards as assigned the long, boring,  _ thank the Spirits _ , second nighttime shift. It was only down one hallway to reach his bedchambers. Except, it wasn’t ‘his.’ It was Her Imperial Majesty’s. And he just happened to be allowed to sleep in it. While walking, he recollected. Any day, he could take his Imperial Armor and take it off. By his own Empress’s command, he held power over every army, every navy, everything he  _ wanted  _ to hold. Or nothing. It was up to him. When he walked through those doors to a short night of being an Imperial Pillow, he could easily decide that he’s done campaigning and he’d like to sit back and be a father to his daughters. Long ago, he thought it was as simple as that.

But the wars never end. Opportunists don’t just stop appearing. There’s always someone who wants to get rid of his Empress for one reason or another. The Empire learned what happened if the two were separated from Ba Sing Se for too long. War. War on a continent wide scale that could make the ghost of Chin jealous. So he had a choice. He could tell the Generals to fix their problems. But then the Generals might accrue power. And war would return again. He could punish the Magistrates. But then the Magistrates would rise up. He could punish the peasants. But then the peasants would throw down their plowshares and workers of the entire continent would unite. And his Empress, while the ultimate duelist and the most charismatic person to grace the land, was no ruler.

For the third time this season, he was able to be Her Imperial Majesty’s Imperial Pillow. He could rest in Informal Robes. Or, whatever the Imperial Tailors  _ call  _ Informal Robes. He could even take  _ off  _ his robe and go without a top. Since the Imperial Palace wasn’t an earth tent. It was always as warm as it’s occupants wanted it to be. In the company of someone who  _ would  _ make his chest sore by sleeping on it, he _ smiled _ . Tomorrow, sure, he  _ will  _ put aside time to spend with his daughter. But then it’s back to the front. Back to his home. Why? 

At the end of the day, whether it’s in the Si Wong Desert, the Feicui Sea, the Makapu Mountains or a land where there is not going to be nighttime for weeks, it’s always the same. He does it for his Empress, he does it for his daughters, he does it for his homeland, and he does it for his Empire. 

If you asked Her Imperial Majesty personally, she’d say this: “He always brings back a fur blanket, or someone’s blade, or a fallen meteor, or some kind of rare paste, or a unique kind of foot powder, and of course, seal jerky. How could you  _ not  _ like a man who’ll go shopping at the North Pole  _ and  _ the Si Wong within the same month? And people may say he  _ looks  _ disheveled and tired, but I think he looks perfect. Always has.” After this inquiry, he took a shoulder punch to his sword-arm. 

With one Clear Whiskey in hand and a shoulder punch to his, get this, shoulder, that’s all the justification he needed to march off to the front. 

“Now, who wants to annihilate some tribe of spear-wielders with an army of tanks, artillery and aircraft that only break down  _ some  _ of the time?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Who would've thought a prompt on Cabbage Man versus Foaming Mouth Guy could have a bittersweet tangentially unrelated ending? I did. Because I wrote this.
> 
> The 'duel' that happened may have existed. Or maybe not. It's historical fiction but Gan-Lan is still around and Tu-Jia is not.  
> Thank you all for reading!
> 
> Cabbage Context and Foaming Mouth Guy Facts:  
> -The Lord of Xinyang is Dong-Ji, that one large ripoff Dong Zhuo from early on in 'Adventures'.  
> -The Banner Armies are something you'll read about in the future. The woman he's referring to is Suki. Banner Armies are based on the real Qing Banner Armies.  
> -Mori and the Empire as a whole don't like the Avatar. They view him as a hypocrite and an egg.  
> -Zhaoze De is the Imperial name for the Chin lands. Since Mori vilifies the Chin.  
> -Dahai and the Shwo River Valley are featured in early 'Adventures' chapters.  
> -The daofei-attacked lake-thing music convention is the same one from 'Adventures'. It was and still is a parody of Woodstock.  
> -Whether or not Gan-Lan will produce weapons for the Empire in the 'Adventures' timeline is still unknown. Most likely, yes.  
> -Even as a middle-aged badass, Toph still wears variants on her wrestling outfit, only dishing out the Empress robes for rare occasions. When asked why, "I like how they look on me", followed by a wave-hand-in-front-of-face  
> -The Cabbages are a parody of The Beatles in name and song names, only.  
> -The Chong-Shan theater is named after my character from a Avatar RP set during the time of Kyoshi. https://discordapp.com/invite/rcHaZWk  
> -Earth Rumble Six and a Half was also from early on in 'Adventures'.  
> -Romance is renamed to Oogies. Toph's the Empress, it's whatever she wants.  
> -Taizigou is just to the northeast of Ba Sing Se.  
> -The Ceiling Dai Li still exist. They always will.  
> -The Spiritsbane Meteor Cannon was named and mostly constructed by Toph.  
> -Rumble Cliff is where Toph and King Bumi had their Monarch Edition of the Earth Rumbles.  
> -Lord Qiangyang, Toph's favorite friend and mount, is still alive, since Badgermoles can live for a long, long, time. And he still gives great licks.  
> -Jinshi rank is a reference to a rank in the Qing Dynasty bureaucracy system. Director of the Six Ministries is a reference to a position.  
> -Yung (the guy who fought in the Omashu Resistance from canon) is a Foamer.  
> -Miao = second, fen = minute, dian = twenty minutes  
> -The story about cactus juice could reference stories from 'Records of the 53rd Earth Queen' or it could reference events that have yet to happen from 'Adventures'.  
> -The One-Eyed Badgermole is Mori's more popular title. Also created by Toph.  
> -Yes, Mori invented a story that would be able to answer Lin's question (in a longwinded, Mori fashion) and put Suyin to sleep.
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22805290/chapters/54499294 < Wacky Adventures. If you liked this, you may or may not like that.


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